Vent Chat

My sister is very smart. She has been the smarter one of the two of us since forever, and its starting to make me insecure. I know, im the bad person here. But please listen to me, She recently got accepted into three colleges, all the ones she didn’t even wanna get into and her most recent one was a really hard one to get into and now, I feel so stupid. I cry every time I think about, I’m happy for her, its more as in, I hate myself, I hate how I act, I hate how everything is, I hate how stupid I am and can’t understand math problems past grade 4 and How my grammar socks and my attention span is terrible. I just can’t take it and I truly hate this, I have already Repeated a grade, 2 times. I thought this year was going to be different, but its not and im still failing. I keep crying and can’t stop.

Sometimes I feel like my mom makes everything about her, like its either always her fault or she thinks people hate her or she’ll say she’s a horrible mom and every time I always deny and comfort her but sometimes I wish she’d just keep those thoughts to herself or maybe go to therapy if it’s affecting her. Is that selfish? I feel mean saying it out loud.

Im done im so fucking done.i hate my body. i hate everything. it started at my childhood, smt that is the best part of their life for sum people. i dont remember it much but i remember my dad coming home late and my mom being a stay at home mom. i remember my dad would come home and they would get in a huge argument. i dont remember much from those times but a few distinctly. i remember my mom would take us shopping at Walmart for toys and then when we would get home and i would be playing with them she’d take them and throw them into the basement so i couldn’t touch them. one day i was playing my Minnie mouse vacuum it had these little foam balls that if you rolled the vacuum they would fly around, i love this toy and adored playing with it but i remember my mom snatching it out of my hand and throwing it downstairs. I cried and kept trying to run downstairs to get it but she held me back. this was one of the first things i remember and i only had one more distinct memory which was my mom sitting on the couch staring at the tv for hours while me and my siblings ate nothing.she just sat and ignored us. dont get me wrong my mom had problems. she was bi polar and had a personality disorder. but we were starving. the only time we would eat would be when my dad would come home late at night because he was a highway trucker. this happened for a while before one day my dad came home and finally noticed. he and my mom got in a fight and my dad filed for a divorce. i dont remember much about the house we lived in except the fact i had a frozen room while my brothers room was filled with crap because my mom was a hoarder. my brain skipped a few years and i remember living w my step mom for the first time. it was fun actually i loved it there. my stepmom was amazing and i became attached to her. this was the best part in my life.we would go see my mom ocasionally, at first we werent allowed to be alone after court but wtv yk? when we finally were allowed to be alone w her for a day we went to her hotel and she gave us our first gifts since like 3 yrs prior.. and i got a camera, i really liked it, when it was time to hand everyone back to my dad we drove to sheetz. we pulled up and my brother and sister got out of the car bc they could walk. im only like 4 or 5 so it was a bit harder for me. anyway she gave them back and kept me in the car. she wouldnt give me back no matter how much i cried. i saw my siblings facial expressions, i had never seen them more hurt. and i knew that was the first time they really hated my mom, they were both upset im not even sure its cuz they missed me but bc she didnt choose them. it hurt badly at that point. my dad threatened to call the police and ppl were starting to come over to see what was up so she let me out, i never was so happy to be in my step moms arms. then when i turned like 6 i began to make lots of friends, one of them being L *im calling him that to respect privacy. L had a twin E and we were all bestfriends. I would go to their house they would go to mine etc.I also had a crush on C he was really cute and i really liked him.Well anyway it was kind of unspoken but i guess i liked L too so we started dating but i liked C too so we started dating. and i was kind of dating E but not really. but it was average 6 year old stuff not that big of a deal since we didnt technically know what to date meant. anyway L and E had a strange dad. i didnt now that he was strange till now thinking abt it but on numerous occasions he touched me. he would also let us go on bike rides but make me ride in front of him at all times, also when we would get ice cream w him he would watch me, like the whole time i ate it. then we would also do likee and he would make me get in a bikini among other things. my stepmom either didnt know abt this or didnt care bc she would let me go to sleepovers at his house. a few hours one day before the sleepover we were playing hide and seek and i hid in the dads room on the side of the bed not close to the door and i thought i heard L come in so i was really quiet and then i realized it was his dad when he came to my side of the bed. he then dropped his towel, i didnt think anything of it and js left. he clearly saw me, he knew i was there, then that night i slept in the boys’ room while they slept in the guest room and their dad came in to tuck me in when he said “please come to mind room if you need anything anything please do.” and for sum ppl that sounds nice but its not its the way he said it that gave me chills, also mind u him and his wife were always arguing. i went home and i dont remember alot up till my dad and step moms fight, everything seemed to be going okay before but my dad began to argue w everyone including those he loved, i didnt know why.one night i was put to bed and then woke up to the sound of yelling. i quietly crept downstairs and listened to what they were saying. i heard everything from im calling the police to other things. i went upstairs and talked to my sister and told her how i was scared, everyone was downstairs but my dads biological kids aka me my brother and my sister, my stepmoms bio kids r two girls and one boy. i was the youngest. i was really really scared but eventually when i came down they stopped fighting and my stepmom and her kids went outside to chat while we all stayed inside and chatted. my dad asked us how we would feel abt moving. i said “i have butterflies in my stomach thinking about that.” he explained how it would js be us, a new adventure. i dont remember much abt moving i js know we did. i was about 8 when we first moved to the new place and things started out okay, the place we lived in was a low income town so it wasnt that bad we moved into an old scary house but it was okay. my dad would hang out w us and take us fishing it was everything. then one day my dad starting drink alot like at walmart my dad picked up dog food so the lady could scan it but then he like jolted, and i thought he was js jokin around like he always did so i laughed, then he started falling he fell and i cried, i saw a boy from my school and he looked scared but i was js embarassed and ik thats shitty bc he was hurt. ppl helped him asked him questions and he got sent to the hospital and my cousins *shes my dads first cousin so shes in her 50s. anyway she picked us up and took us to taco bell to take our mind off of everything. that was until she got a call that he was ready to be picked up so we stopped eating and went across the street to pick him up. when we got there he hurried out and said he wanted to take his car back. my cousin let him but forced me to keep an eye on him. he wouldnt tell us anything abt what happened w him but i knew something happened. when we got home everything went back to normal. but smt in me changed. i got rlly depressed and wanted to kms. i began to hate myself and everything else. anyway months passed nth changed but my dad drank and drank more, my dad started turning abusive mentally and physically i would get rlly upset and call him a bad dad, i did stupid shit etc, my dad slowly stopped being able to do things and quit his job. we went to a thanksgiving dinner and my cousin whos like 50 said she went up into her room and cried bc of how skinny he looked but she never tried to even fucking once help us. anyway more days pass and my dad kept passing out we would call my cousin then hang up bc our dad would yell at us to hang up. one night it got really bad. he kept saying things that didnt make sense and he said he needed to go to the bathroom and he went for like 40 mins which obviously is not normal, then he kept saying he wanted a song to be played but he was saying it weird and he asked for the master of puppets song but then he said this isnt the song (it definitely was) and then we heard him pass out. when my brother opened the door he was sitting in his pee and passed out, my brother carried him to the couch while i cleaned up his pee, when he woke up he was out of it, he was saying nonsensical things like he didnt know my sisters birthday. this was a school day so all of us were tired and risking days off of school but we didnt care we got him settled in turned on the tv and my sister went upstairs, me and my brother stayed down a bit longer js to make sure he was okay then headed up to bed. i couldnt sleep so i went back down at 3 which was only like 3 hrs after i went to bed. when i went downstairs i went into the kitchen and grabbed a knife i was gonna kms right then and there but then my dad said “—– can u get me sum gatorade for me” and i said yes and put the knife back. i realized then i was needed and i was gonna be strong for my dad.i got him his gatorade and he said he loved me and goodnight. i said i love u too dad and goodnight. when i woke up in the morning my brother was yelling at my sister saying my dad wasnt waking up and wasnt breathing when we got down there he pulled my dad off the couch and tried cpr all that came out was foam. i alr knew before the ambulance came he wasnt coming back, i knew i had lost the one thing i had entirely loved besides my siblings i was so done. we ended up moving in w my cousin. ik she was trying her hardest but i was treated like shit bc i was mad at the world. i hung out w my friends and we ‘vandalized’ a playground *we didnt actually it was chalk and i wrote second but i wrote fuck this world bc rlly fuck it yk. anyway the next day at school i got called down to the principals office. i admitted to what i did and i had to go pick weeds/ do chores at the school. when my cousin came to pick me up she acted all happy and then when we got in the car she started saying things like how it was all my fault and i did it first but what rlly hurt was when she said “you think ur dad would be happy of what u became bc im sure not.” that has stuck w me fvr and always will. anyway i didnt eat i was super upset not that i ate alot in my dads house anyway. my cousins daughter hated me and purposely made my life miserable but wtv. then some person texted my cousin saying she wants my moms sister and would like to meet us, they said how shes a therapist and everything so we met her, we hit it off and planned to go on vacation w them and visit their state, when we visited their state they got a call from my cousin saying how she thinks my aunt should take care of us bc they cant anymore and were ‘too much work’ so we lived with them, now i treat everybody like shit ive been here for 3 years but my mood swings r so bad i have attachment issues. sometimes im a hoe bc i wanna fill my dads void, js recently my great aunt died and im js shutting down im tired of everyone, im tired of life.

My mom doesnt treat me like her child; she always says that im the child she likes the least, that she loves my sisters more than me. Im writing here because tonight we argued again. She wouldnt stop touching me even though she knows I hate it. She touches my stomach and thighs and shouted at me because I told her to stop. I went to my room angry and she start saying that I was ‘detestable’ and that I shouldnt be suprise if she treats my sisters better than me. In 2 years I’ll be old enough to leave this damn house. People always says that I have the best mom but no one know how she really treats me, im tired of it, i cant talk to nobody bcs no one really care or they juste blame me. I dont live with my dad but I wish I could, I dont even feel loved here, just wish someone could love me.

Hi! I was looking for someone i can share my unspoken thoughts and feelings with. Not necessarily to have a conversation with just listen to me so i can get these things out of my head. I don’t know how to start it, but i’m confused of how i should feel about everything. I am a mother of two boys, all i want is to give them a better life i always make them my priority and also my partner. i always make sure in everything i do they come first. Ever since my partner and i started dating, i never cheated. Since 2015 until now we’re still together. Even if there’s a time we broke up i didn’t date other guy until we got back together. it’s like that ever since and he cheated to me multiple times, even after giving birth to his child he cheated on me, I don’t know about now because i lost interest in him, doesn’t matter to me if he cheats or not maybe i got used to it. The thing is he always makes a way to get angry at me. he disrespects me a lot and i stayed quiet. he’s the father of my children and he’s good to them but not to me. he forces me to get intimate which i don’t feel comfortable because i have endometrial cyst in my left ovary and he still forces he’s self in me despite me crying to make him stop. He doesn’t want me to talk to any guy but he talks to any girl he wants. He doesn’t want me to go out together with my brother but he left the house without telling me where he’s going. He does everything he doesn’t want me to do. As of the moment i am the one working and he’s taking care of the kids which i do not complain because when he’s the one earning he doesn’t give me money but whenever he finds out i have money he doesn’t stop spending it which i did not complain because i love him. now after everything i’m slowly losing interest, i don’t check his phone specifically his social media accounts, i don’t ask where he was going, i don’t text or chat him to check how is he, i just stop caring. I want to break up but the kids loves him so much and he doesn’t want to break up even if i told him that we do co-parenting. I can’t even talk to him about this now because he left yesterday and i don’t know where he is. i am 26 and i feel like i’m wasting my life with him. I don’t know i wanted to have a peace of mind, i wnated to get out from this messy life with him but i worry about my children.

I’m so exhausted I cant even sh I cant shower properly I cant function someone just kill me

I stress 24/7 to the point that I’m always scared or worried about anything yet whenever I am slightly relaxed, I somehow always create a situation unwillingly to make myself worried. For example, I’m calm and relaxed, going about my day until I ‘accidentally intentionally’ mess something up and severely worry. Like I’m not trying to mess something up but somehow I always do it on purpose.

Like earlier, I was talking to a ‘friend’ who I have feelings for. I always remind myself to not like nose into their personal stuff because they don’t like me the same way, but they mentioned they were talking to someone (not even sexually or anything) but I said ‘Who?’ and got protective and jealous which I know they don’t like but… I didn’t do it out of jealousy. I asked them who almost to see how far I could get without them getting annoyed or irritated or disturbed.

Any who, I disgusted them I think, and now I’m stressing because they already aren’t a big fan of my constant jealous acts and stuff. But like I said, its like I intentionally make mistakes but I do it subconsciously.

ʀɪɴɢ… ʀɪɴɢ… ʀɪɴɢ…
𝘠𝘰. 𝘈𝘥𝘢𝘮 𝘪𝘴 𝘖𝘜𝘛𝘛𝘈 𝘏𝘌𝘙𝘌. 𝘚𝘦𝘦 𝘺𝘢 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳, 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘴! 𝘈𝘯𝘺𝘸𝘢𝘺, 𝘵𝘳𝘺 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳.
ʟᴇᴀᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴍᴇꜱꜱᴀɢᴇ ᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇ
ʙᴇᴇᴘ
Let me back in, Adam. Please. I’m sorry. You uncreated me, but don’t you see how bad that was for you? now you have to deal with it all on your own. Just put it back on me. Come on, dude. Don’t be dense. Yours truly I guess, Clive.
ᴄʟɪᴄᴋ
ʀɪɴɢ… ʀɪɴɢ… ʀɪɴɢ…
𝘐𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴, 𝘐’𝘮 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘣𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘺 𝘦𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘯𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘹𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 (𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘬𝘴 𝘢 𝘓𝘖𝘛, 𝘈𝘥𝘢𝘮) 𝘰𝘳 𝘩𝘪𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘯 𝘈𝘥𝘢𝘮’𝘴 𝘳𝘰𝘰𝘮 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦. 𝘓𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘢 𝘮𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘢𝘨𝘦.
ʟᴇᴀᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴍᴇꜱꜱᴀɢᴇ ᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇ
ʙᴇᴇᴘ
Yeah, uh, NO. Sorry Clive, but you made my life a living hell. Well, yeah, I guess it’s still a living hell, but I need to learn to deal with my emotions without pretending someone else is saying my negative self-talk to me. That probably won’t make anything better for me. So, see ya! From your former friend, Adam.
ᴄʟɪᴄᴋ