Vent Chat

I’m doubting everything in my life…from my mothering, relationship, financial status
I’m constantly doubting myself and crying every day? I create situations from other situations and get upset with the possibility of it being facts. I’m struggling in silence and idk what to do anymore. Why am I not happy when I have Everything to be happy about!

hi. my name is ellie. i am a diehard writer, and i write things like they’re the great american novel, sorry ;(

i have no idea how to start this, because it’s not really bad, but it’s also not very good. ok so there has been this girl who i kind of knew existed since sixth grade, but recently since we have more classes together, we have gotten a lot closer. i knew i was a lesbian before this but i didn’t ever have feeling like this before. she is literally so perfect i can’t take it. she is 5 inches taller than me, and has short black hair is a men’s hairstyle that just WORKS. she has these black glasses that are just so big and nice whenever she pushes them up on her head, there is always that one hair that just springs up in the nose-bridge area. and whenever she has volleyball in the morning, the short hairs near the nape of her neck stick up. i’ve simply never felt this way about anyone. i dated this one girl, lets call her ana for a year, and i didn’t feel this way about ana. we began dating in february 2024, and then we broke up february 2025. i knew that i didn’t reciprocate any feelings for MONTHS, but i knew that she still had feelings for me, so i stayed in an unhealthy relationship for a year. it was bad, so bad. i just didn’t want to hurt her, because she was still one of my best friends. but this february, she came up to me after final lecture, and told me that she liked my best friend. and they are now really close, and she’s not my best friend. this relationship breakup left me stranded and i fully cut of my own emotions. i was numb to myself for 3 months, not being able to come to grip the fact that i was alone, and I had no one. my current closest friend really helped though. i tried to heal myself, but it didn’t work. when i began to get close to her a month ago, it was like a light switch was turned back on in my mind. it’s like the one screw that was loose in my head was finally tightened. we began to sit next to eachother at lunch period, and all of my close friend would tease us, and to b honest, it felt good. it felt SO damn good to care about this person so much, just because i’ve never felt this much for someone. but here’s the problem: were going to different schools after graduations. they’re very close together and my brother goes to her future school, but it’s so damn hard to let go of her. it’s aa confliction in my head because i can’t do this without her, but we have to separate. we live right next eachother though. that’s a bonus.

i don’t know what love is, but if i am right, i really like her. she just get me so much.

i recently got into a headspace where panic attacks are very common for me, and when i get a panic attack, it gets BAD very quickly. last wednesday, i had a substite teacher, who yelled a lot, and her screaming reminded me of my mom i don’t have a good relationship with my mom at all by the way. she triggerd me so bad that i began to shake, heavy breathe, my eyes water up, and i began to discretly self harm. i quickly scratched my knuckle skin until it was raw, bleeding, and just it was so bad. she packed up my stuff at the end of my class, and carried it to my locker, and when we got outside, she let me cry in her arms for 20 minutes. i told her everything with my best friend at my side. I can’t get over the way that my head fit into the hollow of her shoulder. she wrapped her hand around my shoulders and just said “its okay i’m here, its okay you are allowed to cry.” and that meant so much to me, because of the fact that I can’t cry at home. the next day, I had a little baby panic in the same classroom, and she quickly noticed that i was doing the thing with my fingers, again, and keep in mind my teacher is very chill, but she got up from her seat and held the hand that i was scratching my hand with for the whole class. she silently sat on the floor next to me on the floor and held my hand and put her head on my leg that was shaking. that was one of the days that just felt like us. that night i picked her up from her volleyball practice and i was in blue jeans, and my highschool sweatshirt. my hair was in two braids, with small curls peaking out. that’s the outfit i wear whenever i like someone. it was sunset. i walked to her house with her, and i met her brother. he’s 18, and his girlfriend was over. he recognized me, even though i had never met him, which i don’t know how to feel about. she grabbed her wallet and her keys, and we left to go to the library. we got there and soon started to work on a group project with one of our mutuals. the other girl and her kept talking and i got really scared. she left the room, and my other friend stayed with me in the room. i got a text from her that said my name then she admitted that she liked me. omfg. we walked home that night at the end of golden hour and she told me how she talked to her brother about me, and how if her mother ever found out she like a girl, she would get into loads of trouble. she’s very physically affectionate girl, with everyone and not just me. and that confused me. but i would rather die than have someone change for me. she always rests her head on my shoulder, and gives me long hugs, ties my shoes, and just is very affectionate, which ana was never. i was much younger then, but this is so different. i wish i understood how i felt. with all of my other friends i feel so emotionally mature, and i give advice that’s for the best but i cant decide how i feel. i know asking strangers on the internet how i feel is probably not what i should be doing but i don’t know what to do.today, my house key broke, which meant I was loked outside my house. I texted her to vent, and she immediately began to wake to my house. like what??? and we spent like an hour in the sun, even though she hates the sun, dong homework on the stoop outside my house. we raced around the perimeter of my house, and walked around. we then walked to her house, and i met her mom. she was so nice. we sat on her couch. we went back to my house when my parents said they were coming home. she met my brother, and he seems to like her.

but then today she told me that she is moving back to vietnam in the summer, keep in mind she lived there for a majority of her life, because of her grandfather’s heath issues. obviously i feel bad that he is having issues, and i only wish the the best for their family, but I can’t stand being away from her for that long. what do i do without her?

she’s just genuinely the light of my life right now and i can’t imagine going without her for that long. any advice or comment would be appreciated.

-ellie

I just wanted to get this off my chest. My bestfriend got a boyfriend and she’s 13 and he is as well and I’m really concerned because they had s-x she told me and said “oh we only did one thing” but I was talking with my other best Friend and she told me something different that she did with him that HE the boyfriend said and now I’m just sick to my stomach because there minors and overall just disgusting… Im really concerned for her and I’m grossed out because she lied to me saying “we didn’t do anything else” and i for some reason I text her saying “im sorry I overreacted” which now I read it I didn’t overracted and no I don’t know what to do I can’t stop thinking about it and I just care for her so much she’s so young and she’s going to regret it in the future years I wish I could stop it but I can’t her parents found the texts and grounded her with I don’t mean to sound rude but im glad she got her phone taken away because its for her safety and now I’m over thinking that ‘do the parents know who it is?’ And if they don’t THEY MIGHT LET HIM OVER AGAIN!! and now I’m just so worried, disappointed and disgusted and I just want to ball my eyes out

I am depressed, I do equine therapy but not much helps or it does help but only last for a few hours before my feelings come back. My dad died a few years ago (I am a teen) he had been an alcoholic and his body stopped functioning with so many things going wrong like cancer. I had began to want to die. Really truly and never come back. It got even worse on the day my brother came up to my room on a school day to say that our dad wasn’t breathing, that morning out of every morning I had woke up and something had felt different even before my brother came into my room I hurried and put on a shirt only to find my dad there, on the couch where he was always since he could barely move but wouldn’t let us call 911. My brother gasped and cried pulling him off the chair onto the floor and my sister called the police. I felt helpless I know as a kid writing this seems like a story but its the only way to make it sound true and let out all my emotions since writings what I’m good at. My brother began trying CPR over and over again but all that came out was foam. It wasn’t his time to go and I remember the night before this. The past few nights, even weeks, which turned into months my dad would pass out. Everywhere we went it felt like. One time I was at the pool with him and he passed out in front of a lot of boys in my grade. If you were a middle-school student once you probably get the embarrassment and depression that fell over me. It got so bad that night before. We had sat him down, actually technically we hauled him out of the bathroom where he passed out and peed himself. He woke up and was saying nonsense. It got to the point that he didn’t remember me or my sisters birthday. Also when we asked him where he got a package which mind you it said AMAZON on it he didn’t know what he got and or where it was from. It broke my heart I ended up crying for awhile but this was on a school night, night after night we would take care of my dad. Well my sister had gone upstairs she was tired and so me and my brother tucked my dad in for bed and started playing a movie for him to watch. Now that you know all of that I can’t help but not think this is all my fault, my dad dying, me not calling 911 when I should have even though he would yell at us and tell us to give him the phone. I’ve carried the guilt that I could’ve saved my dad. He was the nicest man ever but when he was drunk and sick he was not. I remember me crying for countless hours by the things he would say and I would respond with calling him a bad dad. He was never either of the things I put him as before he was sick. And I have always wished it was me instead. Me to go. Praying to God that he would bring my dad back and let my brother and sister laugh and be with him for the rest of their lives happy made me feel better. Any way that night I woke up for a glass of water and some ice. When I awoke and went downstairs my dad was awake asking me if I would get him some Gatorade. Of course I said yes I had always made him exactly what he wanted. When I came back and brought him his drink I began to walk up stairs. He said he loved me, and I said I love you too dad. That was the last time I ever spoke to him. And I was the last one, I could have saved him. I could have been there. I cant help to remember the great times when a few years ago on mothers day *I don’t live with my mom and aren’t really on speaking terms with her.* I brought home a happy mothers day picture for him. I said how I wanted a mom and he said he was working on that, that made me smile. knowing he wants to do things for me that same day I said how all the girls in my grades parents had been doing their hair and I wanted someone to do my hair. He said he would learn that just for me. But those times seem so distant. Not even real. Neither does his death. Im still in denial about it to this day. It’s only been 2 years yeah. But I’ve gotten worse then better worse then better. It’s so overwhelming. I now have daddy issues and fall in love with every boy I see. I don’t think anyone would love me as they call me ugly and annoying and fat (Im not any of those things and actually I used to be underweight when I would starve myself living in my dads house. I like a boy right now but that will probably change in a week like it always does.. I need advice asap..

I am addicted to jerking it and I don’t know how to stop, ever since I was like ten and people said weird things to me on Omegle I’ve been a gooner, I’m 15 now…

so this is a vent blank page to hide its like a dairy basically
so my dads getting better he’s not drinking as much as he used to I love him.
my mom is absent from the picture shes been like that since I was 31/2 and she dose drugs sooo.
my grandmas ok she calls me a narcissist when I have something wrong and when she found out I did stuff(SH)she said that what Satan’s people did(my family’s christian)like excuse me!and she also says when I’m like sad/mad that I’m narcissist because people have it worse and I’m like ya I know that I’m not stupid!
and me I struggle with SH,insomnia,depression,anxiety,panic attacks and low self esteem I’m also very insecure…also when I’m like hanging out I get to ruff and I don’t mean to hurt the people I love/care for its not like I do it on purpose….schools stressing as f#ck and nobody’s care”s there except with your true friends(I’m in middle school #7 and nobody gives a f$ck especially if you have fake friends)and its like hello I’m sorry I’m not perfect like you.especially when I’m so stupid that I take it out on my dad when he didn’t do anything wrong like I’m so so d&mn stupid for doing that he didn’t do anything.also last year and some of the beginning of this year we have this creep at our school lets call him Jeremy(for privacy reasons)and he goes around thinking he owns every girl in the school so he touches my @ss,thigh and even try’s to touch my t!t’s like excuse me that is not your get your grubby @ss hands off me.also my grandma and dad are really homophobic so I cant tell them I’m bisexual or tell them my friends genders/sexuality because THE’LL lash out..my uncle also when I was little he sexual touched me also my moms side sucks my uncle dose drugs my mom dose drugs and my other grandma on my moms side dose drugs,smokes and drinks the only person I really love on my moms side is my half brother and I haven’t seen him for 2-3 years and I don’t like telling people how I feel or vent to them because I fell like I’m a inconvince….I struggle with suicidal thoughts and I talk to my blank page a lot and 988 suicide and crisis life line…. and my grandma right know like go to bed you need sleep b!tch I can”t I have INSOMNIA!!!

I have this best friends let’s call her Li (not her real name) I just want to know if she’s a good real friend or not okay so last year something happend to me I tried doing something I shouldn’t (SH) and I was depressed at that time so I tried reaching out with people so I decided to reach to her when I told her about my problems and SH she just said ‘oh’ then nothing more I expect her to hug me or comfort me because we’ve been best friends for almost 5 years now but when her other friend let’s call her Mel okay so Mel vent to Li and me because she was dump by her boyfriend because she was cheating ( she was liking someone’s while bring in a relationship and was flirting) and I didn’t expect Li to cry and hug her and comforts her like girl what happened to mine I mean I love her so much I even did letters and I even made a scrapbook of our friendship and you didn’t even hug me while I was in my worst day so is she a good real friend or not?

i want to kill myself so badly

i feel like such an inconveinence to my own boyfriend, he can spend all the day laughing and being happy with his mates but the minute i want attention eve slighty he sighs and groans to the point where i have just resulted in completely just not asking for attention because i feel like its my fault. i dont complain when he spends hours with me, i clean, i cook, i pay for everything, but he makes it out that when i want even just a smidge of his time that its the end of the world and he cannot be bothered and honestly i just dont knoow what to do. like he can spend all day on his game with his boys laughing and all but any time i want his attention im the problem? make it make sense – what am i doing wrong? why does he feel the need to sigh everytime? why does he make spending time with me feel like its a chore.. what do i do.. how do i fix this? am i really the issue? right now im debating if im just being dramatic or if this is soomething to worry about.. 3 years together and fuck all is changed… im getting so tired of feeling like this, i have prayed his attitude towards me changes but it never does.. i just want to feel loved, and appriatiated.. but right now im doubting if i ever will.

I talked to my crush today and it didnt go very well. So i have had this crush on a boy for like 2 years and trust me, i have tried to get over him but i cant. We are in the same grade though in diffrent classes so we never talk to each other but we used to be in the same class so he knows who i am. Well, last christmas on the last day of school i said merry christmas to him and his friends(i had like never talked to him before). I never knew if they responded becuse i left. Att the beginng of the term he used to say hi to me since we had been in the same class the previous year but i became so shy when i walked by so you could bearly hear me say hi back and he probaly thought i was ignoring him so he stopped after a while.
So today i was walking upp the stairs when i saw him with his friends sitting in the window and he was saying hi to me over and over again. (not sure why) I quietly said hi back to him but i dont think he heard. As i countined walking upp the stairs he said” why dont you ever say hi back” and i said/shouted back ” i actully said hi to you”. He started teasing his friend like “name,name,name”over and over again. The year before they had shipped me with his friend and apperently now as well. Sometimes when they walk by me the other two friends teases their friend and sometimes my crush. So who likes me? Because only out of that friend group does my crush say hi to me ,looks att me or sometimes wave at me and the friend i am shipped with has never talked to me and only sometimes does he look att me. So my crush defentliy pay me much more atteniton to me. So what does this mean?

so, pretty recently, I’ve been feeling kind of lost, I can’t tell if it’s seasonal depression because I’ve been feeling like this for about 8 months? and i disassociate quite frequently and my head is pounding (˘･_･˘). anyway, i can’t really describe how else i feel because my brain feels foggy and i don’t feel well :’).
life sucks, i was also thinking about overdosing the night before but i decided not to because i came to my senses.

sometimes I just want to disappear and restart my life

im so sick of group projects bro. its actually insane how this keeps happening and despite doing my best to play cheerleader for the rest of the group to try and encourage them to do something they ARE LITERALLY REQUIRED TO DO they still dgaf and i end up doing most of the heavy lifting. i get that group projects are meant to teach you something, i get that you’re supposed to learn how to function in a group setting at work et cetera, but don’t workplace slackers usually get… y’know… fired?? if this happens over and over again wtf am i learning?? that i can’t trust anyone?? that as soon as people get put in a group with someone who seems to know what they’re doing they’ll take that as their cue to be a fuckin BUM?????? get me out of here dude