Vent Chat

I just don’t know what to do anymore, like I’ll go vent to my friends about my kinda transphobic mom when it comes to me and how she made my life and they say “You’re just overreacting!” I don’t know what to do because my mom also threaten to send me to a mental hospital before as well because I’m “really sick in the head” as they say. I GET THAT I STARTED CUTTING MYSELF AGAIN BUT CAN YOU BLAME ME REALLY ? she says I control what I do so if I cut myself it’s my fault not hers even though it feels like she has been killing me basically everyday when she yells at me for no reason to her calling me useless or a nobody.I don’t wanna live anymore at this point. I’m also really new to this type of stuff and I suck at spelling so feel free to fix my grammar while I’m here.

cut myself again and I really wanna either hang myself,eat a bunch of pills or eat rat poison and hope I die 🙂

im grounded for half of the summer and im scared im not gonna be able to make it through the summer. i always get like this and im tired and scared.

I’m so tired I cut myself 92 times(and its not an exaggeration I counted them) and know I feel better like numb better:)

GONNA FUCKING KILL MYSELF JUST LIKE REBZZY!!!!
HEATHERS GOING TO WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE YOU DON’T DESERVE TO LIVE WHY NOT KILL YOURSELF HERE HAVE A SEDITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!

I have the biggest urge to just sob..but like I also don’t want to…but then again I dont want to self harm…but I also don’t want too…..the suicidal thoughts are back..but I cant..my boyfriend he’d miss me

trigger warning rape mentions grooming murder wtv etc etc
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nvm my life’s acc going horrible so like I saw a stupid person on my fyp calling like people who like young fictional characters pdfs right can’t tell if they mean predators or pdfs reguldless I’m a victim if it isn’t clear n I lowk fucking realised they would consider me the same as my abusers/groomers n it’s lowk sent me into a spiral like episode like I cannot believe they would put people who made me suffer and ruined my life and me and so many other people who deadass just like fiction in the same category ik the knternents not ur sage place ik I’m being sensitive over this but I never expected this it lowk really fucking hurts like the fictional char isn’t fucking suffering 24/7 I just think I might need to take a break like from life atp I can’t believe I’m this sensitive I thought I was doing ok with this type of things online but no I am over here having a panic attack over a random persons illogical opinion idk I think the thought of me being the same as my abusers really scared me like It disgusts me it hurts me so bad I could never eve think like that or do that at all it made me scared even and brought flashbacks again so I think I gotta def calm down I just cannot explain how fearful I am of even 0..0..0.0.0.0001% acting like my abusers and groomers and it hurt me I keep saying stupid shit like this I know obviously I’m gonna get hate online for it but I just cannot believe people see victims as like fucking hot take yeah well I’m happy you got ur viral fucking video I got a miserable life full of suffering it’s obvi not their fault I’m trying to not like focus on them yk they r js uneducated but it still hurts like their words still did damage I feel like a oussy idk I’m used to hate but I never thought a comparison between my abusers and me would ever cross my fucking mind it rlly hurts and like idk what it is abt that video ik people call profiction ppl pdfs all the time but they worded it weird like idk it make me so uncomfortable I don’t know what to do I ended up like relapsing (technically not a real addiction unfortunately also it’s not like porn addiction or anything cuz that’s not real but yeah unfortunately bad reaplse) and I got so stressed and idk how to cope I am writing on here bc I feel like I was making accomplishments today n I lowk ruined it idk what to do with my life I fantasise just slitting my wrists and letting the blood pour out all over and finally just closing my eyes I haven’t slept well so that’s why I’ve been up since 2am I shouldn’t push myself I think I’m going through a euphoric episode so this is probably the crash fuck idk what t do I gotta get therapy or smth right I’ve mentioned my grooming experiences to my parents but I don’t think they know how deep it affects me I just wanna lobotomize myself or shock myself so I never think of it again I hate it I feel a feeling I cannot articulate in my words it’s all my fault I got messed up liek this I don’t know how to get better I just wanna be doped up on meds and forget I just wanna forget I feel like I’ll become a drug user later on lmaoooooo also ik this is sorta bad but I wish I got raped or s/a’d at least my feelings would be valid like that’s real this is just not physical so I’m just being dramatic I’m just sick

I put sukuna funny image because he alesyx makes me feel better I wish I was a fictional char nothing bad could ever happen to me then I’d be free n happy and no thoughts nothing sigh I have these scenarios where I cough up blood or I just shoot myself in the head infront of people because I have had enough and this is finally it but just daydreams obviously 🙁

I really wanna say some ominous shit like today’s the day… but I’m a oussy so I’ll live until I die of old age ahahah yeah this is def an episode or smth sorry if ur reading this n ur concerned I promise man’s not doing nothing lol

TW this user is system. They will use i/me and we/us interchangeably. Mentions of abuse, self harm, suicidal tendencies, inner sys difficulties, difficulties coping with emotional regulation, eating disorders, bed rotting, depression, anxiety, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, rape, SA, pedophilia, racism, homophobia, transphobia and romantical difficulties.
-# geez..

I’ll be 100% honest I’m not entirely sure if we can keep calling Asher the host anymore since he refuses to front, and any time he does front, he tries to harm the body. Asher hasn’t fronted since October since we made him break up with an abusive ex, he only fronted for a few days while speaking to someone he had mild interest in and we thought ‘hey this is good! He’s actually fronting and not trying to harm the body!’ And then they got into a relationship and he freaked out and ended it in 2 days after freaking out. He then went back to refusing to front. He fronted last week, and his immediate response was ti try to contact his abusive ex, which we stopped him from, and harm the body. Now, we’re struggling to find someone to take main front because most of us can’t physically handle ourselves due to how much Asher’s emotions affect our own, and how badly we’re treated by Ashers mother. Asher’s emotions have been affecting us more then they usually do and half the time we can barely pull ourselves out of bed, let alone eat something without throwing up. As a protector, I’m worried about Asher and what may happen to other alters. I’ve been shoved into front to many times because other alters can’t handle the mental and physical strain the body puts on us. Our anxietys getting worse even while we’re medicated, same as our depression. We can’t eat without counting calories, or puking it up three bites after eating. We can’t look at anything relatively sharp or metallic without thinking of cutting our skin. And the one way we got out of our head is now restricted and technically illegal since the body is a minor. Alcohol was one of our biggest escape mechanism, and although not the best way to escape, it made us drift away from the difficulties. We might actually get back into smoking weed due to the fact its offered to us so often, even though it makes us all jittery. Our abuser is going to be here in THREE days, and I’m genuinely scared he may try to harm us again. He doesn’t even REALIZE he’s abusing us, he just wants us to fight everyone alive, including himself and he doesn’t care if that means we get hurt to the point we sprain or even break something. Almost all pur abusers blame the abuse they inflict onto us on mental conditions, and at this point, I don’t know if we’re being dramatic about it. Our mother has BPD but doesn’t take her medications for it, and neglects us, mentally abuses us, and emotionally abuses us. Our grandfather physically has harmed us more times then I can count, but people say its okay because he’s a war veteran and get PTSD flashbacks either thinks we’re the enemy he has to attack, or trying to teach us to fight while beating the shit our of us. Our ex manipulated us several times and had us have a mental breakdown that was so bad we were forced into a mental hospital for 7-10 days. We did not make any progress within it except being threatened to be raped and another patient who was turning 18 the day he got out, telling every female under 16 (which was us at the time) that he was going to make them ‘feel good’ while he threatened to molest them and that they should meet up with him after they were out. Another patient was blatantly racism to us the moment we mentioned we were hispanic (Cuban) and referred to us as ‘The brown girl’ and calling us by our deadname, ignoring the blatant fact that we told everyone within the hospital that we were transgender, and went by Asher. He also had called us a faggot when we were talking about our abusive ex. I’m also afraid when our grandfather comes over he may make sexual jokes about our body. He’s stared at our chest before when we were 13, and its only grown since then. He made a weird comment once he found out we dyed out hair red about liking redheads, and while yes, his wife, our grandmother, was a redhead when she was young, he was staring at our bright red hair. I really wish we stayed with our father and his fiancé since they genuinely understand how we feel about everything, and allow us to process everything properly instead of being manipulative, abusive, or neglectful towards us.

do y’all think I deserve my gf. she says she loves me and stuff but I don’t believe her and I feel bad shes so sweet I feel like she only said yes bc she didnt want to hurt me

HELLLOOO I’m doing really well actually. joke! yesterday was horrible omg, I got so fucking over stimulated, like insanely, I ended up crying so bad, I spilled fucking gems all over the living room, water too, and my parents kept aggravating me, ion wanna get too into it but I asked my caretaker to please get me something and I ended up being forced to get it myself I understand this sounds spoiled but I literally couldn’t standup or talk during that time so I had to suffer with an extreme bout of nausea after and it was horrible i felt like i was dying I had to practically drink medicine and it didn’t help my other parent on the phone kept implying i’m faking my diagnosed conditions and said i was entitled It really hurt me I busted out in tears like do you really think I’m doing this for fun it’s so fucking humiliating I can’t even fucking shower i have the weigh the pros and cons of it its so embarrassing for me i feel so useless its horrible. anyway massive fight, shit got real, I took a nap and just woke up and feeling ok. I bought my rollator guys so hopefully comes tmr, or after!!!! then I booked my piercing app so i’m gonna resize my angel fangs, get the septum done, and two nose studs!!!!!! then I got a nail appointment as well!! i’m so so so excited, it’s my first ever and I got these rlly cool nails I can’t wait omg!!! so It’s going okay, I just hope I can wash myself at least today and feel even better! I struggle badly with the floss and I have this thing it has to be right or i cannot do it at all, (waitlist for adhd.) so that makes it even worse onto my chronic illnesses. But I’m also gonna try not to relapse today like really try i’m feeling good so let’s go the full mile. I can do this!!! also I did mention i’m a hikki like technically involuntary lol but tbf the only reason I go out if i’m forced too like no other choice and these all are, and plus i’ll probably never go again so 😭😭

I wonder if I should be worried for tmr well technically today since it’s 2am but yeah, I really want to have a good week but i’m afraid this is like the sun before the storm or smth idk..

anyway, might try to complete the tasks i’ve put off for 5ish months now, maybe more or less i forget……… :,)

I hope who evers reading this is doing great ily all mwa mwa mwa 💗💗💗

i had to cancel a meeting with my best friend (it wasn’t meant to be anything grand, we just planned to hang out together) due to health reasons: i had a flare up and a bad health anxiety episode on top of other things, so i just didn’t have energy to visit her. i had health issues for several years now, and it’s not the first time i had to call for a rain check, but this time my friend told me she was bummed about me cancelling. i’m grateful that she communicated that to me, because she’s usually a very private with her feelings, but at the same time i can’t help but feel guilty about not being there for her. i couldn’t help but cry when she told me that. my mental state wasn’t the greatest lately, and constant anxiety had been affecting my physical wellbeing also, and i feel like i’m stuck in a vicious circle.

I don’t recognise the people I’ve lived with for 15 years of my life, we are all so disconnected with one another. Do they even know my interests?
If you asked them what my favourite colour is, they would probably say pink. They are wrong, it is cream white.
I envy those who can talk to their family about anything, my siblings and I don’t even talk to each other on a daily basis. I wish I had older sisters that taught me hair, I wish I had older brothers that taught me how to play ball. I wish I had a little sister that wasn’t a brat.
I doubt they even know my actual personality, everybody just gangs up on me. I feel so much yet I am trapped in an endless loop of bottling things up.

if i die, my parents better fucking have something horrible happen.
death isnt good enough.
they made me like this.
they better be sorry.
they
better
be
sorry

Will- i love you. i wish i couldve told you how i felt but know that i do and i always will. ill miss you so much and i dont know what ill do without you. but i know this is for the better. your so sweet and beautiful and i love you so much i dont think i can explain it.
im sorry.
Dominic- you have always been such a great friend to me, i dont even have words for it. your so funny and sweet and just such an amazing person and i am so lucky to have known you. i wish i could put it in words. i will miss you so, so much and im so sorry. i love you.
Harlee- i dont even know what to say, you are such a great friend, truely. even when we didnt get along you were so kind to me and supported me and were there for me. i could tell you things i couldnt ever tell anyone else. you are the best friend i could ever ask for. you are pretty and funny and just really the best friend ever. please keep on going for me. ill miss you so so so so much, bestie. im sorry. but this is goodbye.

im going to kill my self i am so close to commiting i swear i should actually do it i almost passed out already i will strangle myself i will i will i will i will i will im gonna die just do it im gonna do it…

i just fucking relapsed. i havent done sh in ages. in ages. i mean i did it yesterday but still last time i did it was months ago, maybe even a year. i dont want to kill myself, that shit scares me. but sh is actually so addictive like what the fuck. i dont stop until i bleed. whats worse of all that i decided to be so depressed etcetc right when summer is at the door. AND MY PJS ARE SHORTS AND SHORT SLEEVED T SHIRT ahhhhh.

what heck my friend just called me what the heckkk. shes talking about 2025 labubu shit. ok, uhhh where was i…….do i tell herr i just did sh. nah idk what to say. were playing a horror game now, its hella confusing/ ok she had to go.

back to my vent, idk if im doimg it for attention or not i mean partly i have scars on my wrists from earlier times but like theyre barely visible. i somerimes want people to notice and ask me if im okay so i can vent to them, like i never vented to anyone in real life it seems so attention seeking and like because im squirmish and dont like blood and feel like im about to pass out at the mention of blood so why would people believe me if i told them i sh?? i dont feel like fainting when i sh on my hips bc it looks like scratches and doesnt go into two sides idk how to explain it. my fear of gore is incredibly specific like i can watch dhmis feeling fine (execpt from the steak ep AND THATS MOSTLY BECAUSE THE STEAK ANNOYS ME TOO MUCH)

another thing is that im trans, ftm, and one thing that i hate about myself are my cheeks. theyre so chubby idk why. BUT THE REST OF MY FUCKING BODY IS SO SKINNY. i just wanna be fully skinny. i hate my cheeks theyre so femminine. ughhhhhhhhh. i thought about starving myself but i just cant like i love food too much, i always binge eat every day. plus my stomach starts throwing a tantrum whenever im hungry, i feel sick and it starts making hella loud noises which ppl asked me about before, ughhh i just love food so much. ALSO MY PARENTS ARE POLISH CHRISTIAN TRANSPHOBES SO IM TRYING TO GO FOR SHORT hair and i have a idea to get short hair and make it into this one hairstyle but guess what??? MY EX GOT THE SAME HAIR THAT I WANTED. WHAT. THE. FUCK. im so jealous like sonion give me ur hairrr im sooo saddadad.

i want to cut myself more again usguegfsugsd. i might try to like stop myself because the right side of my hip looks like its been through 8 wars and 4 natural disasters. whenever i cut myself i always go light so i never bleed alot and that appreantly doesnt satisfy me so i just keep going very lighty. omg i have to go shower soon im so dead its gonna stinggg

anyways if you ever feel like starting sh please dont its so addictive.

Will is getting a buzz cut.
i never realized it, but he is the reason i have kept going.
i only liked him cuz he was hot.
if hes not hot i cant like him.
i know this sounds dumb and shallow as fuck
but what point is there in living if i dont have him….

Some guy took a photo of me I felt so uncomfortable.
I still do
he probably still has the photo in his trash
….
I don’t wanna talk anymore (at school)

you call me phyco? thanks🩷

i went to the gas station and bought my sister 4 monsters and an 8.5 ounce bag of cheetos and i bought me a chocolate milk and a cookie and she had the audacity to take the milk and the cookie while i was taking a nap and i made it clear that they were mine and now shes laughing about it and i want to kill her
update: threw a dumbbell at her nose